i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
