Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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