Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
