I think I died a long time ago.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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