I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
a search helicopter?!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
