So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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