I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
