Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
