I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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