youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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