Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
