; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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