i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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