Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
