Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
