He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
