Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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