He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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