i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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