If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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