I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
