i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
