I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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