Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
