I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I need water and some morals
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
