I seem to have left my pride at pride
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
