I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think your dad took our porno
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
