My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
this just has baby written all over it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
