I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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