did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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