Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
