I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
