you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
