i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
