happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
