i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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