So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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