So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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