I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
