It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
