i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
