my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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