fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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