there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
