she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
How external is "for external use only"?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
