Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I need a burrito and a hug.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
