Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
