just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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