I wish I could teleport
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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