are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
