1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
