i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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